Black Market Shenanigans

            Time again for a trip to my past my loyal and faithful stewards. A representative of S.J.U. or the Soaring Juniper’s United has arrived for a brief stay at the BVC compound. Columba Stewart is his name and he is one of the foremost historians focusing on the SJU. Now one might think this is a little self serving as most of the history of the SJU is written by a member of the SJU but his dedication to objectivity is truly astounding.

            The location of the SJU is hidden to everyone except those in the SJU. One does not so much join the SJU as they are selected before their birth. You see the SJU have many smaller factions around the world which they gladly open to the public. These institutions impart knowledge to some of the keenest minds on the planet, however they do not relinquish all of their vast knowledge to just anyone. These institutions act as a magnifying glass to the people of the world so that they may find those who have been chosen to the order.

            As you may have guessed by my knowledge of the order I was one of these chosen few. Even though I have been in the order for nigh 300 years now I am still in the neophyte stage of their order. Columba is one of the senior members of the order and his understanding of the events of the world are so diverse and brilliant that even in an evening spent with him one feels like their awareness of the humanity has doubled. He has come to join me in the Philippines to depart some of his wisdom to the younger orders like the BVC. One might say that the SJU is the crux of all of the protectorate orders on Earth, of which there are 17.

            Columba for all his age and wisdom still has a wild side that springs forth from time to time. At the secret domain of the SJU there is a font that gushes forth the sweetest nectars in the world. And I say that scientifically, it is the most delicious nectar in the world and I defy you to find one better. This premium beverage like much of the BVC’s wisdom is kept to themselves. But Columba being his sneaky self bottled a bit of this divine sauce and snuck it away with him as a Christmas present. Though it has only been a few months since my last sampling it seems like a lifetime.

Holiday Seizures

To begin I just want to clarify to all of you that while my favorite color is green my heart is already abnormally big so there is no way that I can be the Grinch. That being said I confess I am generally not the most enthusiastic about celebrating the holidays for extensive periods of time. As such the Filipino traditions of Christmas celebrating is a bit unusual to me. You see they began putting up their Christmas decorations in September; trees, wreaths, manger scenes, and the lights, lights, lights. Flashing like rave for four months straight, I fear that my brain will not be able to focus properly on anything.

You see I developed a rule in 1910 after the founding of Hallmark, I will not even consider another holiday until the one preceding it has passed. I won’t celebrate Thanksgiving until Halloween is over, I won’t celebrate Guy Fawkes Day until the Norse Winter Nights celebration is over. But this notion of celebrating a holiday almost 4 months before the event is simply baffling.

In some way it makes sense as this way the focus of Christmas, gift buying, can have enough time to take hold of everyone. This way no one is forgotten about as a person has 4 months to peruse through sales and can do ample research on what the gift would be most appreciated. That is what Christmas is about isn’t it, spreading the joy of consumerism amongst each other so as to keep the economy in the black?

And it seems that people are forgetting the meaning of Christmas more and more these days as economies around the world continue to struggle. Countries like Ireland, Spain, and Greece are more desperate for Santa and his reindeer than ever. If this is not fixed quickly than this will only be the stone that unleashes the avalanche. I’ve seen it before. There was a time that human’s spent weeks at a time in reverence of Dionysius the god of wine and revelry. Now many scholars say that these rituals were religious in nature and in some ways they were. However there was a greater symbolism at work, that of human cooperation and the benefits of taking it easy every once in a while. There are still remnants of these traditions found in St. Patrick’s Day, Oktoberfest, and a small sect hidden in the woods of the Midwest United States celebrates a week of festivities in homage to these old practices. Still, like Christmas is experiencing now, the traditions are being revered less and less as people focus more on work and toil. Instead of taking a break, or maybe spending a little of their money to stimulate the economy, they hoard away in their homes complaining the days away.

A sad state of affairs indeed, maybe there is a lesson to be taken from our Filipino brethren. The longer we keep Christmas at the forefront of our thoughts maybe we will see our economies given new life. Maybe four months is not enough preparation, maybe it takes 10 months or more. Just enough time to get all of the decorations down and boxed before we bring them back out again. I don’t know yet how I would react to this change but for the better of the world I think we owe it to try.

So write that wish list and check it twice, thrice or more if needed… 

The Final Days of Paco Picopiedra

            Too long has it been since I have soothed your ears and minds with my gentle words. However I have been a wreck of late, for you see my dear friend Paco Picopiedra has received the call from that most powerful of mystics Hacho Vinto. I was thrilled at the news that after years of study and applications Paco would be accepted into the Inner Circle of The Vintics. My happiness was mixed with grief as Paco informed me that Hacho has moved his sanctum to his lake retreat in snowy Minnesota.

Yes my friends my beloved Paco has moved on from my company in pursuit of greater knowledge. He left this morning having finally marshaled up his otter-sled team and made his way to the chilled landscape of the Land of 10,000 Lakes. I have been expecting this for some time now, after all friends must go their separate ways, pursue their own dreams, write their own legends, and carve their faces into the rock walls of the Grand Canyon.

I must confess myself slightly jealous of dear Paco. Hacho Vinto is a genius in the art of mountain building as well as the ambassador of Earth in the Galactic Senate. Before you question to far, yes George Lucas was a student of Vinto’s but stole secrets and was kicked out of the Inner Circle and a curse was put on him. This curse is of course manifest in his latest attempts at making movies.

Don’t let the fact that there are few mountains in Minnesota fool you, Hacho is responsible for some of the biggest and best mountains in the world; Everest, K2, Kilamanjaro, “The Ogre” Baintha Brakk in Pakistan, and for his Inco Jubilee, (that’s 10,000 years) he worked with his students to create Olympus Mons on Mars. His work with the Galactic Senate has been highly influential though you would never know it thanks to the Decree of the Great Inside Joke. Basically the fact that many Earthlings haven’t figured out that they aren’t the only intelligent life forms in the Universe ,and even then they are some of the least intelligent and advanced in the grand scheme of things, is the butt of many jokes to the other species. In fact most of the politics is run by comedians as they are the only ones who don’t take themselves too seriously. Humility being the defining attribute that most other civilizations vote for in the Galactic Senate.

As such Paco not only gets to join Hacho but has been given the great honor of being his junior senator. Now Paco won’t admit it but I think Hacho is grooming my friend for his position whenever he decides to retire. Needless to say Paco would have been crazy to stay with boring old Crackity in Manila. He must journey on his own way now. So the whole ordeal has been sorted out and I will try and get back to my usual musings on a more regular basis.

Best of Luck to The Honorable Paco Picopiedra…