Fan Mail

Now I don't usually get myself involved with politics and the like as I find that the less I do the more I feel I have a soul. However two friends of mine Matt Harren, who has somehow tracked me down in the Philippines, what can I say some fans just go the extra mile, and Alex Kurt have sent me an amusing little letter that they wrote for a TV show called The Daily Show. Well I was so tickled by this little bit of penmanship that I decided to reward the duo by making it today's post. I hope you enjoy.

To Whom It May Concern (but don’t get us wrong, we think we’re your biggest fans, just like every other self-righteous s.o.b.),

We’re writing to apologize, in advance, for the reelection of Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann by the people of our fine state. Having been to Minnesota for the 2008 GOP convention coverage we hope you agree that it’s an okay place, and are similarly befuddled by the capacity of any plurality of our populace to elect this gay rally spying McCarthy like batch of crazy to national office three times running. The answer may be one or all of three of these reasons.

1)      While a majority of the district voted for someone other than Bachmann in 08’, we managed to turn that bit of political capital into a victory for her. It is the electoral equivalent of fielding a MLB team with two AL MVPs, a reigning batting champ, a Cy Young contender, a new stadium, and a regular string of division titles, only to be swept by the wild card in the first round of the playoffs. Ya sure, yoo betcha. Bachman somehow wins the necessary amount of votes by acting like one of the mama grizzlies that the coked-out Palin blabbers on about. (Honestly have you looked at her lately, her eyes are more bloodshot and skin is drawn tighter daily) The idea that mama grizzlies are the new face of political feminism is like saying the Lingerie Football League glorifies woman as athletes. Yet Bachman has stirred up enough dirt that the once clear view Minnesotans had of their state is now as murky as Lake Superior.

2)    The joke that has become the Democratic Party has yet to put up a candidate that seems a better option than the Wicked Witch of the 6^th. The Democrats want absolute fealty, if they see even the slightest sign of wavering faith they’ll cannibalize your seat faster than Rush Limbaugh eating… well just about anything. It’s all political pandering being played out by children who want a career and not to better their nation.

3)      Maybe we in the 6^th district have gone back to moonshining like the days of Prohibition and are on a perpetual bender, treating election days like Oktoberfest or St. Patty’s Day, entering the voting booth smelling more of booze than pride in democracy. Unlikely.

Even though her reelection will bring more witticisms from your staff, we weep at the fact that she will likely have another term to poison us with her vile, albeit childlike, rhetoric. Either way her reelection is nigh and we just thought it pertinent to prepare you for this event. In closing, keep up the good work.  We certainly aren’t about to shoulder this burden, having both fled the hemisphere.  And don’t look too harshly upon Minnesota…we gave you Bob Dylan, and we can damned sure take him back.

Sincerely,

Matt Harren

St. Cloud, Minnesota

Relocated to Manila, Philippines (seriously)

Alex Kurt

St. Paul, Minnesota

Relocated to Sumbawanga, Tanzania (also seriously)

p.s. As we are recent graduates with hopes of writing professionally, burdened with loans, entering a poor job market, against all odds, two kids from the wrong side of the track… Do you see where we’re going with this? Anyways good luck with the Rally.

(chuckle chuckle chuckle)...